WHIP HIM GOOD!

Jackie Christie, wife of 15-year NBA veteran Doug Christie, doesn’t take any chances with her husband’s fidelity. This SWAG has developed a foolproof plan for ensuring that Doug remains faithful in the midst of the temptations of the NBA lifestyle. The following list is by no means exhaustive, so for more tips and information, please refer to Jackie and Doug’s book No Ordinary Love: A True Story of Marriage and Basketball.

Too bad Cynthia Rodriguez didn’t read this book prior to losing A-Rod to Madonna. She should have tried these handy techniques:

1) Develop an intricate system of nonverbal communication with your partner. Doug used to flash “I love you” hand signals to his wife after nearly every play including overtime, play-off games, and other crunch time situations. 

2) Get remarried every year on your anniversary. In the Christies case, every July 8th is not just a renewal of vows but a full-on white wedding.

3) Write each other love letters on a regular basis. Jackie sends Doug a note in the locker room via team messenger (male, mind you) before every game. Doug promptly writes back.

4) Minimize his contact with other females. Women reporters can only interview Doug if his better half is present. In the free agent’s own words, “Every conversation I’ve ever had with a woman since we’ve been married besides my wife she (Jackie) knows about.”

5) Make a movie or develop a reality show that clarifies any remaining confusion on who wears the pants in your relationship.

6) Stalk him. Mrs. Christie routinely used to follow the team bus on road trips talking to her hubby until the bus arrived at the arena or hotel.

7) Become more famous than your guy. Visit J.C.’s website to see first-hand proof of this notion. Or buy Jackie’s new self-empowerment book for women set to release December 10th if you’re really a fan.

8) Fight your man’s fights for him. During a 2002 preseason Kings-Lakers game, Doug Christie and Rick Fox were both ejected for fighting. While exiting the floor, Fox ran up behind Christie in the Kings’ tunnel and put him in a headlock. Mrs. Christy jumped out of her seat and started beating Fox with her purse.

9) Allow your husband to choke to death rather than receive CPR from a female doctor. Ok, so this was just a satirical piece on the Christies but it’s still funny and not out of the realm of possibility for this couple! And still a good tip. Keep an eye on your man — in every situation.

10) Keep it real. Even though you are wearing the pants and calling the shots and curbing all of your man’s freedoms, it’s ok to shed a tear every now and then. Just ask Jackie AND Tyra!

She’s extreme. She’s overbearing. She’s a little bit nutters. But Jackie Christie is also successful. Her methods have earned her exactly what she wants…a faithful husband amid the horde of adulterers in the NBA — hello Kobe and Shaq. So to all you SWAGs-in-Training out there, Jackie and I hope you have been taking notes!